crazyfarts dot com - John Kerry - his chilling secret

In recent weeks, it has seemed that the political landscape of our country may soon be changing - perhaps not for the better. For those of you who are considering giving your vote to the Democratic party in the upcoming election, please be aware that you may not know all the facts. Few people realize that before he was known as John Kerry, the Democratic Presidential candidate went by another, far more sinister, name. crazyfarts dot com brings you the cold, hard facts.

Many of you watched the recent debate, in which George W. Bush inadvertently helped to bolster public support for Kerry by making himself appear to be roughly the intellectual equal of a sea scallop. Many of you - especially those living in the Midwest - also may have noticed that soon after the debates, the weather began to change, becoming bone-chillingly (or at least mildly unpleasantly) cold. Shockingly, this is not a coincidence.

What may have started as a simple case of mistaken identity has now taken a horrifying turn. This reporter has unearthed evidence that John Kerry is, in fact, the notorious Snow Miser of "The Year Without a Santa Claus" fame.

The Snow Miser had gone underground in recent years, in hiding from his brother the Heat Miser. His attempts to disguise himself by getting more color in his face and hair have been largely successful - perhaps a bit too much so, as evidenced by his recent appearances in an unnatural shade of orange. Now, he has resurfaced in a dastardly attempt to gain control of our nation's police and military forces so that he can silence his brother once and for all, and finally gain control of the world's weather.

If anyone still is not convinced, Kerry's uncanny ability to turn a handful of snow into a top hat should be a dead giveway.

We realize that many of you plan on voting for Kerry simply because he is "not Bush" - a deceptively compelling argument, since it doesn't rely on Kerry himself having any merit whatsoever. But would you really prefer four years of deadly chill and dancing mini-Kerrys? Save yourselves, and throw in your lot with the party that represents America's last, best hope for a mild winter: the Constitution Party.