crazyfarts dot com - A Little College Advice.

Now that we have been back to school at UD for a little over a month (OSU students 4 days...) everyone is pretty much settled in. The excitement of being back, or for first years, in an entirely new place, has worn off and now we are going about our business. I was recently speaking to a group of freshmen who were all full of questions, mostly concerning alcohol and partying, but some of them serious as well. As CFdC seems to always know the answer, or at least something that sounds pretty darn close, I figured that we could try and help everyone out. I found this article while searching though the archives at epinions.com and I thought it fit perfectly for all those wondering about what to do next with the roommates who throw orange popcicles around in your 8& x 12& double or who constantly eat your food and consume your beverages.

Roommates: A Lesson in Common Sense, Respect, and Compromise
by TresCrazyDiva | Oct 17 '01 (Updated Nov 22 '01)
Originally at: http://www.epinions.com/content_2251923588
Perhaps you wanted a double room when you went to college so you'd have a head start on getting to know new people, or your friend was planning on attending the same college. Maybe the college of your choice ran out of singles, and you didn't have much of a choice. And then there's the issue of college housing past the dorms: be it the fact that you needed a roommate because the cost of living is too high, you wanted help with the various new responsibilities, or you knew someone from the dorms who you thought would be great and they happened to be looking too. Chances are, at some point during your college career, you are going to have to learn how to live with a roommate. Not only is it most cost efficient in most cases, it also provides many lessons in terms of how you interact with other people.

Depending on who you know, and/or which television shows/movies you've seen, you might have a very different perception of college roommates than what you may encounter. While some students are conjuring images of the spawn of satan, others are picturing long nights filled with intimate chats and a new best friend with whom to brave this new life we call college. Chances are, it will be a happy medium, hopefully leaning more toward a good friend than a complete enemy. And while situations where one can do absolutely nothing to rectify things certainly exist, there are some things you can learn and do to make roommate life a little easier.

I have had two roommates thus far during my days in college. The first, we'll call her A, seemed pretty perfect, at least in terms of a random pairing. She was the same major, and was a transfer from a different college. Since she'd done the whole dorm thing once before, I thought it would be a great chance to pick up pointers on college life. When I got there, the room had been divided in two by a corkboard type wall- which in a way was really cool, but in another seemed a little strange. Eventually I felt like I was living in a cubicle. I basically got tired of being spoken about behind my back, and A's rapidly shifting moods (crazy happy one day, completely depressed about everything the next). We had a lot of good times, but we were clearly not meant to live together. Once I moved into a different room we got along much better.

And what room did I move into but J's? We had quickly become good friends and partners in crime- everything from throwing a breast reduction party for A to going to eat dinner in a different part of the city and not being able to get a bus back for the next 2 hours. (Consequently it was snowing.) We decided to get an apartment together the following year (turning out to be huge mistake, but more on that later) and I moved into her dorm room after a particularly dramatic weekend which ended in her then boyfriend offering to help me with the big stuff and a discussion over calazones in which we concluded my moving across the hall and down a little was truely best for all involved parties. It seemed really perfect- surely if we got along so well in such a small space we'd do even better when we had more space, right? People definately change.

As far as that being a mistake, I can not even begin to analyze the entire situation here. But J likes to feel as if she is the queen, and without her old boyfriend (whose life seemed to hinge on her happiness) I guess she figured I would fill in the gap. But over the summer I developed a close meaningful relationship with boyfriend Adam, devoted myself to my job, and discovered a lot about my career. J's mindset simply does not fit with mine any longer, and it has caused some definate, and unfortunately unrepairable rifts in our roommatehood, which I obviously plan on ceasing close enough to the lease letting up.

Anyway, here are some things that I've picked up, both through my own mistakes and the things that have most greatly annoyed me about A and J as well as observations of other people's situations...I've divided it into three sections so you can read those that pertain to your current or future arrangements.

General (Dorm and Apartment)
Alarm clock
Your roommate is not an alarm clock, period. If you have trouble getting up, it's a good time to learn how. Your roommate has enough to worry about, like getting out the door on time, without needing to worry about whether or not you've risen from your beauty sleep. On a few special occasions (think finals or needing to catch a flight), or if you check on each other because you leave at the same time, sure. "Wake me before you leave because my alarm doesn't always go off", no.

The phone
Your family probably had one. If you have siblings, I'm sure you had to learn how to deal with disputes. There were probably some rules governing the use of the phone. Who knows, maybe if you were lucky you all had your own lines, in which case these things are especially important to keep in mind. Ditto if you're used to particularly tidy rules of phone usage, because there are none now, as you well know.

First off, write down each and every phone message! Choose a good spot with your roommate and stick to it. Marker boards can be purchased quite inexpensively, probably even at the college bookstore. Good old fashioned pads of paper work too. No matter which method you choose, it only takes a few seconds of your precious time to jot down a quick message. If you're sleeping and you're not going to want to get up and do so, just let the machine get it, or pretend like you can't hear it. Either is less annoying to someone you live with than not getting an important message because you were half asleep when you answered the phone. And your definitions of important might differ, so don't make that call yourself! Likewise, don't stay quiet if messages have failed to reach you. It will most likely only result in more missed messages- but never forget that everyone is entitled to screw up once or twice.

Beside that issue of delivering messages, you're probably going to need to do some compromising as well. (For example, your roommate likes to spend all night online chatting with her boyfriend who goes to school out of state while you can't even call your best frind.) I wish I could give you some magic formula that makes this thing work, but unfortunately none exist that I personally know of and you just have to work it out with whomever you happen to be sharing the line with. If they are mature and you act mature, compromising shouldn't be too hard to do.

Speak up, but choose your battles carefully
Speaking of compromise, you have probably heard that it is considered an art. It is one you will certainly learn once you have to share space with someone! (And it will only increase with the number of roomates.) Here is the truth: no matter how hard you try to be a great roommate, you will at some point annoy or anger your roommate. And even if you adore your roommate, they will at some point annoy or anger you. Period. Here's another truth: your roommate will probably not be able to read minds. If it's a friend, they might know when you're annoyed. But a stranger probably won't. And a friend might even not. So, it's your job to let them know when they're doing something that's causing you stress.

But think about it first. Is it something that's really worth the breath and time? If you let too much bother you and continually scold your roommate for little things, you will start to sound like quite the nag. On the other hand, playing the "nothing bothers me because I'm cool like that" game won't help things either, because if the behavior continues it could get worse, and at the very least it will definately begin to make you more and more angry. More than one friendship/roommatehood has ended that way!

It might help to ask a nonpartial friend or family member if you're thinking irrationally. Finals week for instance, might not be the best time to complain about something little if it's never been an issue prior, because you're both under plenty of stress already. Writing also helps put things into perspective. Small, but annoying stuff can somtimes be made into a casual joke. ("Are we growing antibiotics in the sink with unwashed dishes?") Bigger issues might require some serious talking. Have the guts to allow your roommate to respond though- there might be some issues on your part too, that you were unaware of. Talking is usually best, but if you're known for your temper, a written exchange might prove to be more effective.

Lastly, make sure you're not being hypocritical when you decide to bring something to the table. For example, my current roommate "decorated" the kitchen with her microwave cart (the microwave sits on top of my dish curio because she doesn't want to trip over the wires), her many small appliances, as well as an assortment of "fun things" such as her bread box, her spice rack, her bottles of alcohol, etc. Then she had a fit and told me I take up too much space after I claimed back part of my half of cabinet space. (Consequently the food had been removed and shoved other places without prior consent because she wanted a better place for cleaning supplies, but that's a different story altogether.) Anyway, just make sure you're not doing something similiar and avoid the hypocrisy bug, because it's an excellent way to lose respect, but is unfotunately pretty easy to do when you feel a bit less than level headed about somthing in particular.

Food
Quite frankly, your best policy is to each buy your own and keep your hungry mitts off anything you have not purchased unless it is offered to you. If you're going to "borrow" some of your roommate's food, at least have the respect to ask. But ask too often, and you run the risk of looking like a major leach who's simply too lazy to go get your own. (Even if that's far from the truth!) If you're going to share food, I highly suggest a trial run, so either of you can end it with minimal amounts of hurt feelings.

My prime example for this one occured in the dorms, where my roommate and I quickly realized that we ate the same stuff, and agreed to throw all of the food in a bin and resupply whenever we got the chance. (Since both of our parents supplied the food we didn't think it would be a big deal.) Well, eventually my snack food kept disappearing, and it wasn't being restocked. Ever. I think the last straw came when she made a new friend, who never had food in her room and relied heavily upon our food supply for her midnight snacks. Therefore, the number of people eating the food rose to three while the number supplying it dropped to one. Never pretty if you're trying to live on that infamous dorm food and come back really hungry because dinner was especially awful! If you're living in an apartment, the situation only grows trickier because one party might work and purchase food while the other goes home and gets groceries that way. Additionally, you need more food because you're probably planning for meals in addition to snacks.

Anyway, it's certainly up to you and your roommate how you want to work the food situation. Do discuss it! If you share cooking duties, you might choose to do some food shopping together and other food shopping by yourself. Just keep in mind that one person will normally eat more than the other, and one might require more expensive food that the other will quickly tire of partially supplying if they live on ramen or mac and cheese.

Don't play library
Sharing space with someone does not equal sharing all your stuff too, unless you live in some type of utopian community where material boundaries don't exist. College roommates tend to be somewhat temporary, and therefore stuff is generally kept seperate because they intend to go different ways post college. For example, they get married or move somewhere else. If you and your roommate have loose limitations concerning stuff, then cool. But most likely, you will expect your roommate to keep off your stuff. And hopefully in turn you'll do the same. If this is the case (which is usually is), then don't play lending library with your roommate's stuff. This includes things such as art supplies, clothing, jewelrey, shoes, etc.

Now certainly, you have to share certain things. If you agreed to bring pots and pans, it's silly to get angry when your roommate uses them. But your roommate lending your pots and pans to a neighbor is a completely different story. Especially when you get home hungry and want to use them, or just never get them back and can't even ask the borrower because you don't know them. So show some respect in this area. You might think it's okay to wear your roommate's shirt because you intend to wash it; it's not okay when your roommate can not find the shirt anywhere and really needs it for something like a big date, and then doesn't get it back for weeks because you caught it at the beginning of your laundry cycle. If in doubt, always ask. And don't forget to return items promptly!

Your messes
Remember in kindergarden when you learned you should clean your own up? Yep, that was a good and useful lesson. Your mom/dad might not have minded cleaning your messes up once in a while. However, your roommate probably will. So even if vacuuming isn't really one of your duties, break it out if you spill something on the floor. And if you absolutely can't, at the very least leave a note explaining the situation so your poor roommate doesn't have to come home to the mess. And if the mess isn't cleaned up when you get home, clean it up then! Common sense maybe, but you'd be amazed at how easily this sort of thing can slip by with the right reasoning.

Random acts of kindness
They don't hurt. In other words, leaving a bag of candy in your roommate's room or cabinet because he/she had a long week or doing his/her dishes once in a while never hurts. And sometimes the favor is returned, though that's not the goal here.

Reconnect
You don't have to set one day a week aside and plan elaborate and long activities to grow closer to your roommate. But it's easy to lose track of each other when you have love interests, different groups of friends, jobs, different majors, etc. Take some time every once in a while to get back in touch. Even though you're living in the same place, it might not mean you know what's going on in each other's lives. So watch a movies, bake some cookies, whatever you like to do. It will help thwart potential problems because it'll be easier to chat about things without staging a scene. Additionally, it'll keep you "connected" on a level slightly beyond "the phone bill came".

The Dorms
Floormates
Discussing your every roommate grievance with all of your new buddies that live on your floor might not be the the brightest idea you get. They are the easiest, and might seem like the best sounding boards at first because they're usually the first people you meet at school. However, they are also a wonderful budding gossip pool. Relationships shift dramatically, sometimes from day to day, because the constant closeness accelerates the progress of relationships. The person you felt pretty close to the first week of school might turn out to be your roommate's best friend a couple weeks later. And they could be doing the right thing when what you've said gets repeated, which could cause some real discomfort- both to you and your roommate who feels they must censor everything they say or do around you.

Clutter
You'll probably be sharing one room, and that room probably isn't exactly huge in its dimensions. Try to keep your clutter to a minimum, even if you're the messiest person alive. Your roommate doesn't want to look at your dirty underwear because you don't feel like putting them in your laundry bag. (Likewise, you most likely don't really want to look at your roommate's dirty underwear either!) Clutter will make a room look much smaller. If you must maintain your clutter, at least have the respect to keep it on your side of the room. I'm a clutter person myself; I tried to take one time in the week to pick my things up. It might not have lasted till the next week, but it kept things down to a reasonable level and usually kept them from creeping over into my roommate's territory. Cleaning can actually be made into a little party if you're both around. Believe it or not, it can be fun to throw on some obnoxious music and restore your room to some state of cleanliness.

Decor
You might think your "erotic art" is perfectly suitable for your walls. Your your roommate, who comes toting puppy and kitten posters, might think otherwise. You don't have to get a stamp of approval for everything you put up, but try to be respectful of the fact that your roommate has to look at the same walls and could come up with something equally as revolting to you. A lot of the people I knew waited until they met their roommate and then went poster shopping together, maybe each buying one or two that suited their taste but was agreeable to the other party. (www.allposters.com has everything under the sun, at good prices, and is easily accessed if you don't have the transportation to go out somewhere.) It's also an awesome way to get to know the person you'll be living so closely with- you'll get to discuss music, TV/movies, vacation spots, and all sorts of other things in a nice casual setting.

Bedtime and quiet time
Keeping a roommate up because you wanted to watch tv, listen to the stereo while you studied with the lights on, or entertain a friend makes for a cranky roommate. Most colleges ask what time you normally go to bed on the questionaire and try to pair you accordingly, but that's not always very accurate. Just like with the phone thing, I can't give you a magic formula. Take advantage of campus study rooms, tv lounges, computer labs, etc if your roommate wants to go to sleep and you just woke up from a long nap and are now sipping your caffeine in a cup or can happily in preparation for a long evening of- whatever you do all night.

Temperature control
It might be nice to have the room freezing so you can curl up in your electric blanket and wake refreshed in the morning. However your roommate might not enjoy such a sensation, and prefer it a temperature you abhor even in the summertime. Once again, compromise is a good thing!

Privacy
Picture this: your roommate comes home with a date. You are sitting on your side of the room listening to a CD and reading a magazine or chatting on your cell phone. If you got home with your date, what would you like your roommate to do? *Parents, you might like to pretend this is so your young adult and his/her date can chat and share a goodnight kiss. An innocent one* The rest of you know darn well what I'm getting at. Put your CD in your discman, and take your things to the study lounge with an "I'm going to visit (insert name here) for an hour or so" and disappear for that hour, or however long. Take a walk, visit a friend, check your epinions account in the computer lab, whatever. Just leave- and the favor will probably be returned like a lovely little code of honor.

An apartment
Bills
You probably didn't get very many, and if you did they were probably yours back in the dorms. Now there's rent, utilities, phone, cable, internet, and a host of other fun things that need split between roommates. Generally, the splits are even. But if one person pays cable and you decide you enjoy watching some tv every night when you get home from class, it's your responsibility to chip in- don't make the bill payer feel like they must divide things up according to usage. Highlight phone bills. Do whatever it takes. It seems like most of the debates coming from college apartments deal with one thing: money. Maybe because we're infamously broke, I don't know for sure. Figure out if one person will collect and recieve bills in their name, or if it will be split. And hold up your end of the bargain, be it mailing payments out or doling out your part of the payment.

Cleaning
You knew you'd be out of your dorm room by May or so; as a result you may not have been meticulous in your cleaning. And you might not have had a bathroom of your own or a kitchen- which are new things to contend with when it comes to cleaning. As usual, the best bet is to divide the tasks between all roommates. I've seen places where everyone picked a "cleaning day" and pitched in to get everything done at once in a festive atmosphere. But if you and your roommates have vastly different schedules and or time requirements it might not be possible to find a time when everyone wishes to participate in such an event.

The bottom line is that everyone living in that space has a kind of duty shall we say to keep it clean. Remember that someday when you want to move out, prospective tenants will be touring your place! Additionally, you probably want that security deposit back. The best way to prevent major catastrophe is to just suck it up, put those nifty yellow gloves on, and scrub away until things are shiny and pretty. It makes everyone's life a little nicer.

Space
Speaking of the kitchen and bathroom, take up only your portion of space and respect everyone else's. If you think someone is taking up too much space in an area everyone must share, it is not your responsibility to move their things into different cabinets, shelves, whatever. It is your responsibility to have a little chat and explain why you feel the way you do. There might be a reason behind the situation of things- for example pots and pans might belong to one person but are used by all. Now that everyone has a bedroom (presumably) try to be respectful of space that everyone shares by keeping extra stuff in your room or consolidating space you do have.

Noise
Even though you live in an apartment now, it doesn't give you free license to be as noisy as you like whenever it pleases you unless you live by yourself or your roommates are never present. One evening my current roommate and her ex boyfriend had a night long screaming match which was not limitied to slamming doors and a call to my room from his cell begging me to get her to let him in her room. It was really quite ugly, and the alcohol consumed by both parties was not a valid excuse in my mind, especially when I had to get up for a twelve hour day the next morning. So, keep your music down if your roommate is trying to sleep. Be sure to clear parties with everyone living there- they pay their portion of the rent (we assume) and deserve peace and quiet as much as you do when you desire it. I'm certainly not saying you can't or shouldn't have friends over. Just respect your roommate's right to sleep when it turns that time.

"common rooms"
You have a bedroom now, of your very own. Nobody can tell you when or if you should clean it. If you want to have a three foot pile of stuff surrounding you at all time, you definately can. However, it's a good idea to try to keep that clutter out of what I refer to as "common rooms" such as the kitchen or living room. I can not tell you here in words how annoying it is to have to clean your roommate's mess up just to be able to sit down on the couch or eat at the kitchen table. So pick your things up, and throw them on your floor if you please, but try to keep rooms that belong to everyone presentable. You never know when your roommate might decide to bring some friends or a date home, and even if you don't give a hoot what they think of you, it's a nice gesture nonetheless to keep your stuff where it belongs.

Car
during a conversation in which J is explaining that she doesn't need to learn how to drive because there are always people to drive her around and I'm paying way too much for a parking spot
Me- And what are you going to do when you need groceries and nobody can come up and take you?
J- Well then you can just drive me!
Me- Glare, long one
(Luckily the glare fixed the assumption)

One roommate having a car does not mean all roomates have transportation whenever they need it. It means whomever owns the car has transportation and may or may not choose to play taxi. Of course I'm not suggesting that carless roommates should never ask, but never assume that you have a ride just because your roommate happens to have a vehicle. They might start to feel quite used if your interaction is limited to discussions while they drive you to the mall, grocery store, dry cleaners, friend's place, wherever. And they will get annoyed when you follow them out the door like a puppy dog because they've picked up the keys. They will probably get equally as annoyed when they consistently are forced to be late and agree to drive you somewhere or say no and risk looking selfish after you've asked last minute to be delivered somewhere. It's best not to put them in any of those situations by asking ahead of time and in a way that suggests you are not assuming they'll say yes. And don't forget to pitch a few bucks gas if you've been driven somewhere specially, or if it was quite a distance out of the way.

Visitors, even very frequent ones
You pay part of the rent, as does your rommate(s). Therefore, you each have a right to bring whomever you wish home, assuming it does not create major problems with your fellow apartment dwellers. So even if you're flying solo, respect the fact that your roommate has her boyfriend over several times a week. It might be the only time they see each other, and it's really not your place to decide when or where they should meet. Of course is he starts moving in, that's a completely different story altogether. But you never know when you might meet someone or find some friends who frequent your place, so don't put your roommate in the position of feeling wedged between your demands and time she gets to see her friends or signifigant other. And naturally he/she should respect certain things too, such as letting her visitors know which food is his/hers and which is yours.

If these visitors are getting in the way (ie sitting in the living room watching tv when your roommate's nowhere to be found or they are constantly using the bathroom when you need it), you have a right to explain that it has become an uncomfortable situation. However, if your roommate is with the visitors pretty much the whole time you're there- you might just have to mentally note that next time around one of your initial points of agreement should include this subject. Remember too, that you're not required to like all of roomie's buddies, and vice versa. But thinking that someone they hang out with is a rude uncultured pig does not mean you can decide who will and won't come over! Visitors do have a certain responsibility- they should try to be mature and not say potentially offensive things if you, the roommate, is around. But that doesn't mean it will always happen that way, and they could dislike you every bit as much!

Mail
This kind of goes along with the whole phone thing. You might not have shared a mailbox in the dorms, or have shared it with a stranger. But now all of the mail is coming to one place. If you're going to be kind enough to bring your roommate's mail up, place in an area you've both agreed on. If something is addressed to both of you, open it if you wish, but place it somewhere they can find it too! It was really frustrating when I spent three weeks thinking the phone company never delivered our phone book only to discover my dear roommate had thrown it in her bedroom.

Sharing versus seperation
The cost of little things adds up rather quickly. It might be easy to keep food seperate but there are a lot of other things like paper towels, napkins, and garbage bags that aren't so easily spilt because everyone needs them and everyone uses them. (Unless of course you get one of those fun situations whereby a roommate denies they use something like napkins, refuses to buy them, but they magically disappear as if they'd grown legs in which case your wits are going to have to find a safe place for those sorts of things.) Your best bet here is to openly discuss who will buy what, and when. In some places, everyone has certain things they are in charge of keeping stocked. In others things work on an open trust system, although it seems to promote a lot of petty arguements. Even if everyone can purchase and store their own everything- it's really silly to have more than one roll of toilet paper in the bathroom, so you will have to do at least a small amount of figuring on this subject.

When it comes down to it, dealing with roommates is hardly ever simple. It can be summed up by a simple phrase you learned in preschool though: treat others the way you'd like to be treated. Remembering that lovely little ( albeit trite) phrase will get you far in the many complex areas concerning the art of living with someone, even someone you don't plan on living with any longer than a year. Your roommate can be your worst enemy or your best friend, like I said earlier it will most likely be a happy medium. Remember that you will do something wrong, rude, or the like, and your roommate(s) will too. Always take a few deep breaths before you address things- temper tantrums wherein you accuse your roommate of everything and anything will not only make you look immature, but are a good way to gurantee your concernswon't be taken very seriously. Living on your own is an adult thing, and that means you gotta act like an adult, even when it takes a supreme amount of self control!

Just keep a smile on your face, and if things get bad consider your options. And you'll always have options, even if they are not painless, easy, or apparent. Sometimes two (or more) people simply can not co-exist together, no matter how hard each party tries to make things work out. There is a ton of stress in a college student's life- and dealing with your roommate shouldn't be the worst among your worries. If it starts getting in the way of your classes, job, relationships, etc it might be time to move on and regard your experiences as a good lesson.

The best of luck !