A story for you ...
Date: Monday, July 29 @ 14:45:49 EDT
Topic: Events


So a lot of you have heard this story already ... but here it is for the record. This is the tale of a hypothetical guy - let's call him Jon* - and a hypothetical girl, who shall remane nameless.**

So Jon and a nameless girl go out to eat at Jed's (the best restaurant ever, of course), and afterwards they are looking for something to do. They go to a couple movie theaters, but since it's 11:45 on a Thursday night and the hypothetical town they're in (let's call it Toledo) does not exactly have an active social life, none of the teaters have any late shows. So they drive around for a little while, eventually ending up in the parking lot of a Rudy's hot dog stand.

Flash forward to about 30 minutes later ... there's a good reason for this flash so don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

So about 30 minutes later Jon starts his car and is about to drive out of the parking lot when a cop pulls in. Go figure, right? The cop pulls up alongside Jon's car, and rolls down his window. There is a brief exchange of fire, that goes something like this:

Cop: So what are you guys doing here tonight?
Jon: Oh, just chilling.
Cop: Let me see your license.

At this point, things get a little awkward, because Jon's license is in the pocket of his pants, and his pants are in the back seat.

Cop: Why aren't you wearing your pants?
Jon's inner monologue: Well, duh ...
Jon (trying not to laugh): Funny you should ask that, we were messing around.
Cop: What's wrong with your house or her house?
Jon: Well my house is very far away from here, in [a hypothetical suburb that we'll call] Whitehouse ... and her parents are still up.
Cop (to girl): Why don't you get out of the car and stand on the other side of my car.

At this point the cop barrages Jon with questions, which include "Do you have any illegal substances in your car?", "Is this your driver's license?", and two occurences of "Do you have any warrants out for your arrest?" The answers to all but one of these questions were no. At one point Jon tries to put his pants back on, and the cop says, "do me a favor, leave the pants on the passenger seat till we're done here." At this point Jon, being only in boxers, starts to wonder about this cop.

Finally the cop leaves Jon alone and he takes the opportunity to put his pants back on. Incapable of taking the situation seriously, he also starts laughing. Meanwhile the cop goes to question the girl. Later reports indicate that he asked her if she was a prostitute and if Jon was her "trick" - whereupon he actually made the little finger quotation mark gestures when he said "trick". At last she is allowed to come back and sit in the car again. It's now lecture time.

Cop:*** You know, you guys are lucky that I didn't catch you actually doing anything. [To Jon] You sure you don't have any warrants out for your arrest? [Jon shakes his head] Anyway, if you had actually been unclothed I could have cuffed you and taken you to jail. [At this point a disturbing gleam comes into his eye] How would you have liked that? Would have been pretty embarrassing? Especially when the Blade got ahold of it ...
Jon's inner monologue: Yeah, cause the Blade is such an absolute stronghold of reputable journalism ...
Cop: ... anyway, you guys are lucky. I just have to call you in and make sure you're not wanted. [to Jon again] Now you're telling me that you don't have any warrants out for your arrest?
Jon's inner monologue: WTF??!?!?!!
Jon: Not that I know of.

The cop gets in his car and sits in it for about 20 minutes. Jon is laughing his ass off, while the girl is having a cigarette and getting mad at him for laughing so hard ... but he can't help it, this whole situation is just ridiculous. Finally the cop comes back with their driver's licenses.

Jon: So I'm not wanted, right?
Cop (sounding almost disappointed): If you were, you'd be in handcuffs right now.



*All names and places are fabricated ... really
**I'm serious about the nameless part ... this is important. if you must have a name for her, you can call her "Petunia"
***disclaimer: not a verbatim transcription of lecture






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